"Hello again, everybody, this is Howard Cosell"
Week 13 MNF Preview

"If ever a broadcaster sought to bring sports out of the banal, this, you see, is my mission."

Carolina -2.5 At Philadelphia 37.5

That’s right, America, it is I, the pompously obnoxious one, here to tell it like it is. Due to the vicissitudes of the viewing public, who would otherwise refrain from tuning into what portends to be a colossal, stagnant bore, the august hierarchy at the network at their wont, deigned to summon yours truly from the netherworld to the hinterlands to resuscitate the broadcast from certain doom at the hands of incompetents. Because it is only I, your humble reporter on the scene, who could otherwise transform a dull, boring game between two groups of men once poised for greatness into a media circus with erudite articulation rather than jockocracy lexicon.
And banal is this contest indeed. The Philadelphia Eagles, Super Bowl contenders only a few short years ago are without their courageous quarterback, Donovan McNabb the one-time #1 draft choice from Syracuse University. The Carolina Panthers, once similarly contending for football supremacy, have played with maddening inconsistency all season. Both squads are coached by inane drones. So, here we are, in beautiful South Philadelphia, which may be heavenly to W.C. Fields, but surely not to your fearless reporter.

This game will be no contest. The Eagles, torn asunder by McNabb’s devastating injury, will be forced to rely on the passing arm and footwork of the well-traveled journeyman, Jeff Garcia, the one-time Canadian Football League star from San Jose State University, and it will not be enough to withstand the veritable onslaught of the relentless Panther blitz. This game will be a bore, a colossal bore, only being viewed by the inane lemmings and drones of America. It is only I who can make this event worthwhile. Not even the comical antics of the normally sullen and boisterous Philadelphia reprobates can provide relief. For it is only I, the magnificent one, whose stimulating repartee can bring relevance to a match of has-beens, an otherwise utterly wasted use of electricity.

Howard’s Projected Score: Carolina 24, Philadelphia 17